Saturday, 11 June 2011

A week in

So, I've injected my buserilin for seven days now, and sure enough, it has delayed AF. I find myself once again waiting for AF to turn up so that I can get on with treatment - but since the next week is going to be even busier than last, I don't mind if the delay lasts a little longer.

I'm doing OK so far - I've felt like AF was on her way for the last four days or so, and I'm getting a bit bloated in the evenings. I got a bit overemotional about a misunderstanding yesterday, but to be honest, I think I'd have got overemotional about it even without all the drugs - someone I'd never met before was basically questioning my integrity and was quite rude to me, and cancelled an arrangement that I'd made with his wife without consulting her. The story's a lot longer and more involved than that, but I found it very upsetting.

On Thursday I dropped in at our first clinic to pick up copies of some paperwork that the new clinic wanted. I was surprised to feel absolutely nothing as I walked in - I think the scars from that first treatment have healed over now.

It still doesn't really feel real that I'm going to have an FET within (hopefully) the next month or so. I veer between feeling confident that it'll work (which is actually quite a rare feeling) and being absolutely certain that it won't. In reality, I just can't imagine any treatment ever working for us. The universe isn't fair, and it's not a question of waiting for 'my turn'. The total unfairness of what has happened to Egghunt confirms that, and I feel desperately sad for her. It's been her 'turn' for as long as I've been reading her blog, and I can't believe how much crap she has had to put up with, and continues to have to deal with.

So I'll keep sticking needles in my stomach and keep plodding on to the next stage, but at the moment it feels more as though I'm doing this because I'll regret not having done it if I don't, rather than because I think there's a baby at the end of it. The hardest thing is coping with the expectations of others, who are convinced whatever I say that it's going to work this time. I can finally see the value of not telling people what's going on, but keeping my mouth shut and not answering questions honestly when people ask is just not in my nature.

And so we wait...


  1. I totally understand exactly what you mean by being in a cycle where you are just doing it b/c it feels like it is what you are supposed to do, not b/c you think it will work. Ugh. Sucks completely but I guess at this stage it is to be expected. This is exactly how I felt on my last ivf and now thinking about my FET it is the same thing.
    I guess we just both have to keep putting one foot in front of the other right??? Hoping and praying for you!!!!

  2. I really disagree with you! I really feel like there are so many reasons for you to be hopeful this time, but I also know when it's your life it's hard to let that hope in.

    As for your thoughts for me... thank you. I cant tell you how much i appreciate your support and friendship over the past (what has it been? a year? probably longer than that but I stop counting a lot of things a long time ago!). It has been a harrowing time but I feel like i've turned a corner these past few days. I'm so grateful for your support.