Monday, 17 January 2011

Control - again!

Once again, I'm hopping onto the computer briefly before dashing out again. Funny, I can't think why people keep accusing me of being stressed...

I saw the reflexologist this morning, for the first time since before Christmas. She said she can feel that I'm very stressed, and this is something that really needs to be dealt with. As she put it, if there's a blockage in a river, the water can't flow - and in my body, there's a blockage caused by stress which is stopping the hormones from flowing the way they should.

So she said I should stop worrying about trying to pick up the pieces after everyone else and solve all their problems, and concentrate on what I need. (Funny, it's exactly the sort of thing my coach says as well.)

The thing is, it's easy to say. In fact, DH and I both have trouble relaxing, and we have this thing where one of us will notice the other is getting a bit too stressy about something and scrunch all our muscles up really tightly, making our hands into tight little fists, as we say, "RE-E-E-E-L-A-A-A-A-A-X". It makes us laugh, but doesn't resolve any of the issues.

Last week, it was money I was worrying about. On Thursday, I talked about this with my coach. By the end of the day, two things had happened. The first is that a nice big chunk of work landed on my lap, which will comfortably pay this month's bills (and now I just have to worry about finding the time to get it all done without dropping any of my other balls).

The second is that I broached the subject with DH, and he said he had always found it hard to understand why I was so insistent on paying my own way, and that as soon as I said the word, he would be happy to sit down and talk about rearranging the family finances so that I didn't have to contribute as much until I was earning more. He also reiterated that as far as he's concerned, my number one priority at the moment shouldn't be to earn money and pay bills, but to relax and do whatever I feel I need to do in order to give us the best possible shot at succeeding in our next IVF.

Does it help that I've had it forcefully pointed out to me yet again that all the pressure I feel comes from myself, and that nobody else is making any demands on me?

Well, if it didn't sink in the first million times, why should it sink in any easier the million and first time?

How does a control freak relinquish control without worrying that the world will fall apart? If I stop madly juggling to try to keep all my balls in the air, it won't stop me worrying - I'll just worry about different things. Am I putting too much pressure on DH? How will X cope if I just suddenly withdraw the support I've been giving them for years? What if we start relying solely on DH's income and then he gets made redundant as well? Shouldn't I be working as hard as I always have, rather than sitting about trying to feel relaxed? What about saving for our retirement? What if we end up with a baby, but can't actually afford to feed and clothe it? What if I drop everything else in order to make this work, and then it doesn't work anyway? How would I pick everything up again?

So my immune system's shot to pieces, I've already had a cold and a stomach bug this year and we're only halfway through January, I'm trying to juggle self-employment in two completely different lines of work (one of which I'm already making a bit of money in and know I can continue to do so, the other of which I enjoy and want to do full-time if I can ever start making enough money, but have no bookings at all for January), my diary is getting fuller and fuller, I'm not sleeping again, and telling myself that I need to relax only makes me more stressed.

There's too much riding on this next month, and knowing that the only way to make it work is to relax more really doesn't help. If only I could hibernate...


  1. Oh honey, I wish I could help. Sad thing is that really you are not going to be able to 'relax' in the way everyone tells you too. I don't think that you're going to be able to just let go of all those issues. The trick is going to be to find a way to accept those issues exist for you, accept them as part of who you are, and then learn to relax around them, as far as I'm concerned. If you can answer those questions, would that help? Sort of a Worst Case Scenario plan...Too much pressure on DH? He has asked you to discuss it. Part of those discussions could be about pressure and how much he feels he can take. How will X cope? Well, X can be asked what part of your support is really essential to her, as opposed to convenient. Perhaps her DH could be persuaded to step up to the plate a bit more too?? Is DH threatened with redundancy? If not, then you have to keep repeating to yourself "Don't Borrow Trouble"! If, however, he is made redundant, would the two of you be eligible for any help from the State? Do you have mortgage and car insurance covering any payments which may have to be paid late? Is there any such scheme you could join now which would give you some protection?

    In terms of feeding and clothing a baby... I would say that you have the patience and the determination to make a go of breastfeeding, short of medical issues, and that's food taken care of for 6 months at least. Clothes... heavens! In this family?? You'll have a full wardrobe of 0 to 12 months stuff before you can blink!

    Your last question, what if you drop everything and it doesn't work anyway... That's where I, as a fairly peelywally believer, throw the Catholic ball at you. It's in God's hands. You go ahead and do all you can, and we'll all keep praying that He meets you halfway on this. *HUGE HUGE HUGS* XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  2. I feel that internal pressure to relax too. But like you say its just not that easy. Advice I have been given (but not followed!!!) is to remove myself from one or more stressors, even if just briefly. So if that means that your DH manages the finacial stuff for a while then I say give it a go. It doesn't mean you aren't earning money too, it just means that you don't HAVE to earn money right now.
    I read a book in my acupuncturists waiting room yesterday about taking naps. It was a tongue in cheek book but it was quite bloody eye opening to me. People who are stressed don't make time for themselves. They thing everything is a priority and everyone else is more important than themselves. People who are relaxed realise they are just as important as everyone else and if they want to have a nap in the middle of the day, they will do so guilt free. And they will wake up relxed, positive and just nicer.
    I know it's hard. Believe me, I know. I have way too much going on in my life right now too. I hate how stressed I am. And I honestly have no idea how to take these practical steps to get relaxed. Its hard. I guess awareness is the first step though.


  3. It is so difficult to relax when the pressure is coming from yourself. I know what you mean. And it's frustrating because how are you supposed to change a disposition you are genetically predisposed to? That is one of the biggest challenges. It hardly seems fair to have to deal with re-training your brain on top of IF, you know? I hope you are able to find some level of relaxation and calm as you prepare for this coming month.