Tuesday, 11 January 2011

Muddy waters

I'm sorry I've been AWOL for so long. It's not so bad that I haven't updated my own blog, but I also haven't been reading and commenting on anyone else's. In mitigation, I can tell you that I have been thinking of you and praying for you as usual, and I'll be catching up on your blogs this week.

My silence hasn't been for lack of things to talk about.

There was the lovely text I got from my sister on the feast of the Holy Family, which ended with the simple words, "Praying for your family on this feast."

There was the New Year's Eve party with a group of friends who had all, for various reasons, had a hard time in 2010, where at midnight we raised our glasses and said goodbye and good riddance to the old year.

There've been a couple more helpful sessions with my coach, who has helped me to change my perspective on some things and to be more positive.

There was the flat feeling I had in the first week of the new year, when I felt that I was in exactly the same position as I was at the beginning of 2010, and hadn't moved on at all. My coach helped me to see that this wasn't the case, and I may write a separate post on that.

And then this weekend AF showed up two days early, and I went back to the clinic for my blood test yesterday, full of hope that we would get started on this new protocol that Mr Greek God proposed shortly before Christmas.

I knew it wasn't going to be good news when the phone call didn't come until 6 pm, because they tend to call people who need to come in the next day first, and then the ones who don't.

Sure enough, although my oestradiol was nice and low at 73, my FSH was up again to 12.6, and Mr Miracle Worker is not willing to go ahead with FSH at that level, knowing that there have been a few cycles recently when it's been lower.

Having had my hopes raised last month, I was actually more gutted than I have been for a while to get this result. Whenever I've had a call from XXXX clinic telling me that it's not a suitable month (and that's happened several times over the last few months), I've been disappointed but philosophical, knowing that the aim is to choose the month with the best possible chance of success. Yesterday was the first time I can remember crying when putting the phone down on that call.

The reason I'm so upset by it is that it gives me yet another difficult choice. We had decided that if my levels weren't right this month, we would go ahead with donor embryo treatment. I don't think I'd realised how much I was hoping that this wouldn't happen. Also, because of the renewed glimmer of hope we were given last month with the promise of a new protocol, I feel once again unready to let go of that little bit of hope.

I discussed it with DH last night, and he listened and contributed to the discussion with a level of understanding, both practically and emotionally, that he didn't have this time last year.

The upshot of our discussion is that we are going to wait one more month to see whether my FSH comes back down in February and they allow us to try this new protocol. If not, then we get in touch with the donor clinic. I don't want to set off down that route until I've given up hope on the route we're currently travelling. In November, I'd almost lost hope and was ready to make that decision. In December, I was given a tiny bit of hope to cling onto, and it seems to have moved my thinking backwards.

It's funny how being given a little bit of hope can actually muddy the waters and make a decision harder, rather than easier.


  1. Hope is a double edged sword. I hope you get another go with the best possible chance of success using your own eggs/sperm, and that if the time comes to move on to your other choice you feel ready and excited. Big hugs!

  2. wow, so much to take in. I am so sorry that you were not able to move ahead this cycle. That must be so hard, getting all geared up and then having the bubble burst yet again.
    Hoping that next cycle brings better news for you, but that you can also start to work through how you feel about using donor.
    thinking of you and wishing good things for you in 2011.

  3. Ugh, it is hard to have to actually confront moving on to a protocol that doesn't involve your own eggs. Just when you think you've accepted that you may be moving on, actually getting a negative (or a no-go) on your own eggs makes you really confront that reality. I think it is good to set limits on how long you'll continue before moving on. It's hard and feels like the *last chance* will be hard to live through. On the other hand, I feel like having finally given up on my own eggs, a great weight has been lifted. Of course, there's a tiny little secret place in me that still hopes we'll have some miracle on our own, so maybe it won't really, really hit me until we're transferring those donor-supplied embryos. I wish you peace with your decision (and not just now, but a month from now too.) Take care!

  4. I think it's one thing to know that an alternative plan exists in the future but when it knocks on your door and says "here I am" it is a whole different story. I can completely understand your feelings on wanting to be sure you've given your own eggs every chance possible. Everyone would support you in that decision

    And I've always been amazed at how easily you appear to handle the let down of not being able to cycle on a particular month. I think a few tears this time is more than reasonable. It's just not fair. Plain and simple. I know how hard I find it when I keep getting cancelled cycle after cycle. It's hard. The great thing is that your FSH has been low before so I am clinging to the hope that you'll have a low fluctuation next month and be able to go ahead with your IVF afterall.
    It seems like such a reasonable request. I hope the universe is listening.