I know it doesn't seem that way, because this blog has always been my emotional outlet, but I've been struggling to express my feelings, or even sometimes to know what my feelings are, over the last IVF failure and preparing for the next (and last) one. The huge emotional outburst when our first cycle was delayed by a month, and then when it failed, has never been repeated. Is that because I don't care as much? Or because that level of emotion just can't be sustained and I'm getting used to the pain that IF causes me? Am I denying my feelings to myself, or am I just not feeling them as much?
I had been thinking it was the latter - that with the passage of time, I've come to accept what's happening, accept that I may never be a mother, and get used to that idea so that it's not the huge disaster that I once thought it was.
But the way I've reacted to some things lately - like my friend announcing her pregnancy on Wednesday, and the way I felt when AF showed up on the plane last week, makes me think that the feelings are all still there, but I've buried them and not dealt with them. If you knew me in real life, you'd see that 99% of the time, I just get on with things, enjoy life and actually talk about other stuff. When I cry, I generally cry alone (and then tell all of you about it) - I don't like to show that sort of vulnerability to people, and I also don't like to upset people who are close to me by showing that I'm upset.
I need some help in understanding how I feel and in working out some of my negativity and feelings of hopelessness, so that I can approach this last cycle in a positive frame of mind. I do believe that your state of mind affects your body, and I want to give myself the best possible chance. So after about six weeks of toying with the idea of contacting a fertility coach, and after six weeks of looking at her website and putting off actually doing anything positive, I finally made the phone call yesterday.
I won't go into detail about what we said, but I felt that this was someone who could really help me to work out some of my negativity and move forward, so I've booked a session with her for next Thursday. I told DH about the conversation last night, and he was totally supportive of the idea, though I don't think he wants to join in.
I feel like I'm still in this big dip - I certainly haven't started to dig myself out yet - but perhaps I have just got myself a spade.