Once again, I was surprised by something that really made me stop and think, and that I think I really needed to hear. My coach asked if DH had always been this way, and I said he had. She then suggested that if I had always known he was like this, and was now trying to change him, perhaps the problem was mine rather than his. He's been totally consistent, and perhaps it's unreasonable for me to expect him to change.
On the other hand, he does need to take responsibility, and we have fallen into a pattern where I make all the decisions and he just passively sits back and lets me. I have the feeling that if I don't do things, they just won't get done, and so I rush around doing everything and then get stressed because he's not helping.
She helped me to see that I need to step back a bit and actually allow him to take responsibility himself, rather than automatically doing everything myself. If I don't do things, they may end up being done differently, but the world probably won't fall apart around my shoulders.
And it's true - I find it as hard to let go of my independence and of doing everything myself in the way I like it done as he does to take control of anything. So the problem is not all on his side, and I need to work on my control freakery as much as he needs to work on his passivity.
I told him all about it when he got home from work yesterday evening. Then I told him another thing we had discussed - that he has the responsibility for making sure that his 50% of the DNA that's going to our future embryo is as healthy as possible. I can't do that for him, and so he needs to agree to take on that responsibility himself and make the right choices without me
And then we went to our monthly book club meeting, and as I watched him accept his third glass of wine I gritted my teeth and wondered how long I can keep letting him take the responsibility if the decisions he makes are often so irresponsible.
Ugh, your coach makes some very good points, yet I understand your frustration all too well. I sometimes think that in couples there is one person who is the person who moves things along, while the other one just kinds of follows. This is very frustrating when it is always you. I hope you guys can continue to discuss these issues. you are not alone, I have these same issues and my husband does not take all this TTC nearly as seriously as I do.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it's good to just let go, and watch the world keep spinning. It's hard to be forced into that situation but it's very educational. I also think infertility brings out all our bad control issues because we're so out of control when it comes to something as important as building our family.
ReplyDeleteRemember to breathe and just say "fak-it" every once in a while :)
Eish, she's right of course - you marry the person knowing who they are and it's a high road to nothing if you think you can change them 'later on'... but that said, issues arise in our lives which were not contemplated before marriage, and which call for personal change and growth... and it can be so difficult when one partner isn't willing to change or grow in response to that. I wonder why he never seems to get it. I can think of three things: he's truly passive aggressive, and is going it to prove that he can and he doesn't have to listen to you (which, knowing him, I think is unlikely!!), or he is just utterly forgetful and it all goes in one ear and out the other because he switches off during the talks you have and thinks that the appearance of listening is sufficient (this might be the case :( ) or he is actually unable to think of a way to say NO when someone offers him that third glass of wine, or something else inappropriate, and would rather take it than risk upsetting the person offering. This strikes me as quite likely. I wonder if rehearsing with him ways to say No might not help? Without lying he could no quite honestly say that he might be driving home later, and therefore can't drink any more alcohol, for example. Or even just practicing a "No thank you, I'm trying to cut back" with you, might help him in a public situation. The other thing that I know married couples do is to have a keyword, something unrelated to the actual situation, but that can be used innocuously and pass the message on to the other without other people realising it. You could say "Jasmine, my love" and everyone else might think it's a peculiar endearment between you, whereas DH will know it's a reminder to think about what he's putting in his mouth! In the same way, you could have a word for him to use if he sees you getting very stressed! Then you can take deep breaths and it gives him a sense of being involved in the process of helping you to relax (which is very important!). By the process of reverse psychology it should also give him a nudge to stop any behaviour which might be causing you to experience stress! Either way, it forces him to engage with the situation at hand, rather than not noticing what is going on and living totally in his mind...
ReplyDeleteLong and complicated comment :/ I'll copy it before I hit Post and send it by email if blogger fails me yet again. Sending you huge hugs and so much love - I so so so appreciate how damn difficult this marriage relationship is and how much work it takes. I really believe it is worth it though *HUGS*
Eish, she's right of course - you marry the person knowing who they are and it's a high road to nothing if you think you can change them 'later on'... but that said, issues arise in our lives which were not contemplated before marriage, and which call for personal change and growth... and it can be so difficult when one partner isn't willing to change or grow in response to that. I wonder why he never seems to get it. I can think of three things: he's truly passive aggressive, and is going it to prove that he can and he doesn't have to listen to you (which, knowing him, I think is unlikely!!), or he is just utterly forgetful and it all goes in one ear and out the other because he switches off during the talks you have and thinks that the appearance of listening is sufficient (this might be the case :( ) or he is actually unable to think of a way to say NO when someone offers him that third glass of wine, or something else inappropriate, and would rather take it than risk upsetting the person offering. This strikes me as quite likely. I wonder if rehearsing with him ways to say No might not help? Without lying he could no quite honestly say that he might be driving home later, and therefore can't drink any more alcohol, for example. Or even just practicing a "No thank you, I'm trying to cut back" with you, might help him in a public situation. The other thing that I know married couples do is to have a keyword, something unrelated to the actual situation, but that can be used innocuously and pass the message on to the other without other people realising it. You could say "Jasmine, my love" and everyone else might think it's a peculiar endearment between you, whereas DH will know it's a reminder to think about what he's putting in his mouth! In the same way, you could have a word for him to use if he sees you getting very stressed! Then you can take deep breaths and it gives him a sense of being involved in the process of helping you to relax (which is very important!). By the process of reverse psychology it should also give him a nudge to stop any behaviour which might be causing you to experience stress! Either way, it forces him to engage with the situation at hand, rather than not noticing what is going on and living totally in his mind...
ReplyDeleteLong and complicated comment :/ I'll copy it before I hit Post and send it by email if blogger fails me yet again. Sending you huge hugs and so much love - I so so so appreciate how damn difficult this marriage relationship is and how much work it takes. I really believe it is worth it though *HUGS*
So sorry i'm late in catching up on all your posts. This is a really hard topic for me to read about as I see similarities in my DH that you do in yours.
ReplyDeleteI think your coach raises some really really good points and I like that she opened things up and found a way for you to see things that meant there is less stress on you personally. Sometimes it really does just come down to which perspective we chose to adopt.
But I see your point, if your DH is still going to accept glass of wine after glass of wine then when do you step in and give him a damn good shake? He really should (and I'm sure does) know by now that cutting out alcohol is something that he can easily do to help his situation. And not only that, it would make you feel so much more supported if you could see he was doing everything in his power to help you both acheive your dreams. I hope you get to discuss this a bit more with your coach next time you see her as I feel like it's not as resolved as it could be.
I think Jeannie's comment is so brilliant and helpful and I think her take on it is probably very accurate. Such wise advise and suggestions.
Hugs to you xxxxxxxx Keep us posted on this ok?