Yesterday DH and I went shopping to prepare for the Christmas celebration we're having this weekend with my family. Very unusually, I left my mobile at home, and when we got home in the early evening there was a text message from one of the neighbours inviting us round to see in the new year.
DH said he had a headache, and I thought it was probably dehydration, as neither of us had drunk much during the day. I plied him with drinks, massaged his temples and fed him a nice supper. He started to relax and feel better, but then when I was ready to leave at about 10, he refused to come with me.
It may seem unreasonable for me to expect him to come out when he has a headache, but before I mentioned going out he said that he was feeling better. There's also a history here. He very often grumbles about going out or tries to wriggle out of invitations. I look at his father, who hasn't left his house since October 2007 other than when DH and I have taken him in the car, and I worry about DH turning into his father.
As I set off next-door on my own, I was almost in tears, feeling a sense of dread that this was my life from now on, going to parties on my own and making excuses for my antisocial husband - and increasingly tied to looking after him as he turns further and further inwards.
I had a lovely evening with the neighbours, and at midnight we went outside and set off Chinese flying lanterns. We each wrote a wish on our lantern to be carried up to the heavens - can you guess what mine was?
I actually almost lost it when the wind caught my lantern as I was trying to light it and it looked for a few moments as though it was going to go up in flames without ever taking to the air. It just felt too symbolic of the loss of my dreams in 2009.
Fortunately, someone came and helped me to sort it out, and a couple of minutes later my lantern soared into the air and floating off above the rooftops, carrying my wish with it.
The neighbours are good friends and know about our IVF, and one in particular gave me a huge hug at the end of the evening as he said in such a gentle and caring way that he really hoped all our dreams would come true in 2009.
And then I came home to my snoring husband.
We had a long talk this morning and I told him how I felt last night and how I worried that he was turning into his father. He really opened up and told me how he's been feeling since we got back from Lanzarote. He gave me a lot to think about, and I'm glad we had the conversation - and as it turns out, I was right to be upset and worried about his refusal to come out last night.
It turns out we have a lot to work through in 2010. We're both glad to see the back of 2009, and now that we have the clean slate of a new year, we're hoping that one day soon we'll be able to look forward with optimism to whatever the future holds.
I hope 2010 will be better for us than 2009 has been - and I wish all five of my readers a very happy 2010 and hope that it brings good things to you too.