Wednesday, 13 January 2010


Could it be the snow? Another couple of inches have fallen overnight, and it's still falling thick and fast. I just had to cancel my appointment with the osteopath, and my back is protesting gently, but once again, there's no way I can get the car out of our street.

Could it be reluctance to stop enjoying the foods that I know are going to be banned while I've still got them in the house? We're eating the Christmas goodies as fast as we can (as our expanding waistlines will attest), and we invited the neighbours round on Sunday to help us clear some more food from the fridge, but we still have loads of chocolate left.

Could it be exhaustion? To get these hair samples off to Foresight, first I need to get hold of DH and scalp him. Even when I'm working from home, he's out of the house from 7 am to at least 7 pm, then we need to eat, and then we just collapse in a little heap and stare blankly at the goggle box until it's time for bed. His eyes are red-rimmed with exhaustion, and my insomnia is back.

Could it be fear? While we're still planning the hair analysis, the healthy-eating diet and the treatment at another clinic, we still have hope to cling to. Could it be I'm just scared that when we eventually make the appointment, that hope will be taken away from us? I need a good dose of that courage that Egghunt was talking about yesterday.

Whatever the reason, I printed off the forms yesterday at work, but couldn't bring myself to start cutting his hair and answering all his questions when we finished supper, so we've now decided to put it off till the weekend. They only gather together the hair samples and send them off to the lab on Fridays, so that essentially means we've put it off by another week.

We haven't written to Mr No Nonsense to request the copy of our file (he told me on Monday that we both needed to request it, so we need to write a letter that we both sign).

I have rung the potential new clinic and asked for an information pack, but haven't had a response yet and haven't followed it up.

So I'm not totally inert - but I am giving a pretty good impression of a bear that's retreated to its cave to hibernate. It feels a bit like the time before we arranged our first fertility appointment - we talked about it and went round in circles for about three or four months before finally taking the plunge - and then hugely regretted all the shilly-shallying around afterwards.

Must ... get ... back ... in ... action ... again... (but not right now...)


  1. ugh! it does seem like hard work sometimes doesn't it? And try as we might, its really hard (i say impossible even) to not let this take over your life. Then the realisation hits you that it has taken over your life and thats quite depressing.
    Anyway, you courageous woman you, you'll find the strength when the time is right for you. Just keep plodding along and make IF wait for you for once!

  2. I think sometimes even though we KNOW we should be getting things done, if the problems in front of us seem like mountains it can be difficult to motivate ourselves to take the first step forwards. Don't be too hard on yourself. You are making a big, difficult journey, and you are allowed to be exhausted and to shy away from all your to-do lists sometimes. Give yourself a few days off, then cut that hair and ship it as soon as you have a little more peace and sleep!