Wednesday saw the end of a two week wait of a different kind as I heard a bit more about my employer's proposals for redundancies in my department.
On first hearing, it was the news I had been dreading - several redundancies in the department, but the possibility that I would be required to stay on, possibly with reduced pay, possibly with reduced hours, and certainly with a very different job description. This led to the thought that I wouldn't be able to bear to do that job and would end up resigning, leaving me with no redundancy payoff and no job - as I said when I heard the news, the worst of all possible worlds.
24 hours, various discussions with my boss and a day of teaching one of my favourite groups gave me a different perspective. How could I say that continuing to be paid a pretty decent salary to do a job that will still have elements I enjoy is the worst of all possible worlds? There are people who are losing their homes, losing their savings, struggling to keep their families fed and clothed, and here I am complaining that I might be forced to keep my job.
Yes, it'll be a change. Yes, they're dumping something that I've worked for almost five years to build up from nothing. Yes, I feel hurt and disappointed that these decisions have been made.
But either I'll get a redundancy payout and get the summer off, or I'll still have a job. If I get a reduced hours job, I'll still have decent pay but will have more spare time. And if I get a full time job, I'll be able to save more and perhaps retire earlier, or make plans to do something different, or - and this would be the real dream - take paid maternity leave in a few months' time and then have more choices available to me in terms of how much time I can then spend at home with my child(ren).
On Wednesday I was furious about the stress that I'd been put through and would continue to be put through.
Today I feel tired, a little drained after the drama of the week, desperately in need of a weekend, but also calm and hopeful. There are three options - each of them has its advantages and disadvantages, and I'm beginning once again to be able to focus on the advantages.
I now have a fairly major role to play in the consultation, and at the same time I need to keep my stress levels as low as possible, because high stress means high FSH. I need to take one day at a time and not think about all the ifs, buts and maybes of the next few weeks and months.
It's time to chill and let things happen...