Saturday, 15 May 2010

The clunking hand of fate

Sometimes, the universe is really heavy-handed in the messages it sends out to us.

While I was working myself into a state of nervous exhaustion over all the uncertainties in my life, Sonja was facing even greater uncertainties with not just the question of a little bit of job uncertainty at stake, but true matters of life and death - and she is facing them, as she has the whole of her very difficult and scary high-risk pregnancy, with such grace and courage.

While I was grumbling that my employers didn't appreciate me, Myndi was dealing with a heartbreaking family crisis.

And while I was weeping on the phone to my mother and telling her that the firm's proposals represented the worst possible scenario, one of my friends was searching an ultrasound monitor in desperate hope of finding a sign that her own worst fears had not been realised.

I had a text last night from this friend, who had recently got her first ever BFP from her fourth fresh IVF cycle. At six weeks, she had the joy of hearing a heartbeat. This week, at a little over 10 weeks, she went for a scan. The baby was small, silent and still. There was no heartbeat. Her body was still clinging on to her precious baby, but the baby had lost its fragile grip on life - another little life over before it had ever really begun.

So OK universe, I get it. I was selfish, overdramatic, and my priorities were temporarily skewed.

Now can we please all have some good news?


  1. *HUGE HUGE HUGS* to you, and to Myndi and Sonja. Yes, good news please now XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  2. I agree there is a lot of people getting through some tough times at the moment, but your hurdles are not imaginary, they are significant and real and I still feel you have every right to feel your head spinning from all your decisions yet to be made. I know that hearing news like Sonja's or Myndis puts things into perspective though and makes you grasp onto what good things are around you though. Doesn't mean you aren't allowed to feel what you have felt though ok? xx

  3. Selfish you most certainly are not!! We all have bad moments in our lives and I feel like we cannot be too hard on ourselves if we cry or moan some. There is always someone in a worse/scarier situation. Yes, I was in the middle of a traumatic c-section, but I was also getting amazing medical help while someone in a poorer country might not have even been given a chance to survive! So don't be too hard on yourself, I am guilty of the same thing. I think we all are to some degree or another.

    I am so sorry to hear about your friend's loss, too. I cannot imagine the pain of seeing that blank u/s screen. I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers.

  4. I am so very sorry for your friend as it wasn't that long ago that I was in that very same place (though it took her much longer to get where she did!). Please tell her that even though it doesn't feel like it, it will get better, and to let herself cry all day long if that's what it takes right now. It's part of the process. The pain has to be let out somehow.

    And I agree with Sonja. Your difficulties are no less because some of us are having crazy struggles ourselves. You have every right to be stressed and scared and to express it all. It's life changing in a very real way that impacts your life significantly.

    Hoping it all irons out soon and well.