Friday, 20 November 2009

My husband understands nothing

Some time ago (approximately nine months ago, in fact), I was firmly convinced that I was pregnant. I had loads of symptoms, and I just 'knew' there was something different. I hadn't started charting my temperatures yet, so I didn't realise that I'd probably ovulated a day or two late - and when my AF was a day or two later than it had ever been before, I got very very excited about having a November baby.

I had a cycle buddy on the TTC board I was on - she was a couple of days ahead of me, and when she got her BFP we both looked forward to graduating to the 'Due in November' board together. We had both been trying for several months and had got to know each other quite well, always responding to each other's posts and giving each other support during 2WW after 2WW. (After she got her BFP, I never heard from her again - we're both still on the site, but I've been left behind and that's it. I know it shouldn't matter - I never even met her in real life - but somehow it did, and does.)

The day my AF showed up was the day DH came home from work and announced that his colleague had just found out his wife was pregnant. He went on and on about how excited this guy was, what great news it was, and how they'd had doughnuts in the office to celebrate.

When I finally got a word in, I snapped, "Well, that's nice for them. I'm NOT pregnant."

Every time he's mentioned this guy over the last nine months, he's talked about how excited the guy is about the baby. And every time, I've gently reminded him that I had hoped to be having a baby at the same time, and that that month my period was late was the month that I had the highest hopes that I had been successful (with the sub-text: "Please don't keep rubbing my face in it and reminding me about this pregnancy that I have no reason to know about but which happens to remind me of one of my biggest disappointments").

So why oh why oh why oh why did he forward the birth announcement to me from work yesterday, complete with not one, not two but THREE photos of the beautiful new baby of two people I've never met?

He really has no idea sometimes, and with this coming on top of a couple of things that have happened in the last couple of days that will remain between him and me but have staggered me in their selfishness and lack of consideration for me, he's got some serious apologising to do over the weekend.


  1. Oh God, that is incredibly selfish of him :( HUGS to you honey XXXXXXXXXX

    I have learnt, just recently, that sub-text does not exist for men. I thought I had been making something incredibly clear through sub-text, body language, the way I spoke... and it turned out DH had no idea whatsoever what I was trying to get across and is actually now rather angry with me for 1. suggesting that he should have picked up on the sub-text, and 2. not being straight and clear and 'honest' with him.

    I may actually buy Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus :(

    Sending you all our love, as always XXXXXXXXXXX

  2. Awww ... I am so sorry. Birth announcements are a kick in the pants, and it's so much worse when someone who should know better is the one who rubs them in your face. My cousin JUST had a little girl 2 weeks ago ... she comes from a family of 5 sisters, 4 of whom have kids, 3 of whom did lots of drugs and can't get their act together and all (including said cousin with new baby) had "accidental" pregnancies -- one with twins! It drives me insane that this cousin didn't even WANT a baby and was terrified of having one and now here she is in picture after picture holding her kid adoringly while I sit most likely waiting for AF to arrive (I'm getting the usual cramping).

    Just twist the knife deeper.

    Stupid birth announcements.

  3. Ah, so. If you've already tried being direct about it, then perhaps it's time for the emotional outburst. When I raise my voice and have tears streaming down my face, all of a sudden my husband can miraculously hear me. I never do it on purpose of course. It happens when I'm extremely frustrated because I've asked him repeatedly, each time with increasing heat and directness, not to discuss XYZ, but he either doesn't care or forgets. Once the breakdown occurs, he either understands finally, or simply wishes to survive and recognizes no longer broaching this subject is key to his survival.

  4. I've actually discovered that if I want to get something really important across to him, the best way to do it is by e-mail - we usually exchange at least a couple of e-mails a day while we're at work, and have resolved a couple of big issues that way recently.

    Unfortunately, because of the other things that I'm not blogging about which have caused problems this week, I think complaining about the birth announcement would be one step too far at the moment - so I just had to let off steam here instead. Thanks for making me realise I'm not alone.

  5. You are definately not alone. I agree with Jeannie about males not getting subtle messages. Its a shame when someone so close does not understand the things that trigger you off. And because the 'thing' in question is infertility, something that affects you both equally, it's only natural to think he'd be a bit more sensitive towards these things.
    I hope you knock some sense into him soon, and when you finally do can you let me know how you succeeded so I can try on my husband next?