Tuesday, 16 March 2010

Who am I kidding?

** Warning - this is a VERY whingey post. Look away now if you don't want to join me in drowning in my own self-pity **

I have my mid-cycle scan tomorrow - and I'm terrified, because I can't think how I'm going to get my feet into the stirrups without an immense amount of pain.

I really am trying to think of all the people who have it so much worse than I do, and to be a bit more stoical about it, but right now this is really getting me down. When my back went into spasm and I saw the doctor, she told me to come back if I wasn't better in six weeks. Well, this Friday will be six weeks since I saw her, and it's now three weeks since the sciatic pain began in earnest.

I'm short of sleep, because it's hard to find a comfortable position, and more often than not when I turn over in bed I'm woken up by the pain shooting through my leg. Each morning begins with planning how I'm going to manoeuvre myself out of bed with the least possible pain. When I'm at home, I'm not bothering to wear socks, because it's too difficult and painful to reach my feet. I have to be in the office tomorrow and Thursday, and I'm already dreading the thought of getting dressed for work.

I'm sitting here now, for the I-don't-know-how-manyeth day running, with an ice pack on my back, my right buttock gradually going numb but with pains still running gently up and down my right leg. Soon I'll exchange the ice pack for ten minutes of heat, and then I'll be able to start my day's work.

I'm miserable because this thing isn't getting any better. I don't know what's caused it, and I don't know what I can do to make it go away. And I'm even more miserable because right now, this is what's going through my head:

Who are you kidding? You can't even get out of bed in the morning and bend down to get dressed. How can you possibly think that you can look after a baby, day in, day out? Sure, you managed it this weekend, but there were things you normally do with them that you couldn't this time. And you had DH there to help - he won't be there during the week if you have one of your own. And even if you could cope with a baby, how are you going to manage pregnancy? You're having enough trouble heaving your non-pregnant body around - how's it going to cope with the extra strains that pregnancy would put on it? And...

I won't go on, but you get the idea.


  1. Hmm - now seems to be working. *HUGS*

  2. Ugh. It would be hard not to have those thoughts. That said, a lot can happen between now and then. In terms of pregnancy, you won't feel the real weight of it until likely half-way through the 2nd trimester. The treatments you are having for your back shouldn't have to be stopped due to pregnancy. AND maybe the relaxin your body produces during pregnancy will actually help (that's a wild guess, but I imagine it works to relax ALL your muscles and joints, not just some)?

    As for afterwards, if the back trouble continues, it will be a pain, but you wouldn't be the first woman with a bad back to birth and raise a child. Would it be harder? Yes, I'm sure it would be. Could you do it? Most definitely. People in wheelchairs, with missing limbs, etc. find ways to care for their children properly, they just find different ways to do it.

    If the back ailment does continue to plague you, I have faith you'll find a way to make it all work. :)

  3. I agree with Myndi -- I have scoliosis that is on the borderline (severity-wise) for needing surgery but I think the relaxin must have helped me because I have experienced no back pain at all carrying quads (whereas before I had back pain if I just stood too long). You might be pleasantly surprised. And you CAN raise a child -- look how well you do with your nieces. You will be able to lift your baby when he/she is little and as they grow it is probably better that they learn to be a bit more independent anyway. *hugs*