A year ago today, DH and I nervously went for our first appointment with Mr No Nonsense. DH had provided a sperm sample in advance, and I was prepared for my first encounter with the ultrasound wand.
We weren't too sure what to expect, but were shell-shocked by the news that DH's sperm were so bad that we had pretty much no chance of conceiving naturally. Even IUI was not an option, and we were bluntly advised that IVF with ICSI was our only hope.
Thus began a year of struggles.
Struggles with my conscience as I came to terms with the fact that the only way I had any chance of achieving my life-long wish to become a mother was to go against the teachings of my Church.
Struggles with my body, as I learnt to give myself injections, forced myself to eat and drink more of some things and less of others, and battled to coax my aging ovaries into producing the one decent egg I needed.
Struggles with my feelings, as I fought the green-eyed monster that told me the people around me who got pregnant and popped babies out so easily were 'jumping the queue'.
Struggles with my tear ducts, as I shed more tears over the course of a few months than I had done throughout my life.
Struggles with my appetite, as I worked to lose the weight gained through comfort eating and treatments, denied myself some of my favourite foods for months on end, stuffed my body full of supplements and tried to follow the instructions I'd been given to improve my general level of health.
Struggles with my husband, as he failed to take any responsibility for the regime he too was supposed to be following and fell off the wagon again and again.
Struggles to persuade our little embryos to stay with us, and to come to terms with the fact that they were gone.
It's a year in which I've experience deep sorrow, physical and mental pain, soaring hope following by crushing disappointment.
And whenever I reached the pits of despair, I've been lifted up. DH and I haven't had to carry this burden alone. My family and friends have been amazing. You, my internet friends, know more of my story than any of my 'real-life' friends (apart from Jeannie, who has given me so much support). You have shared the ups and downs with me, hoped with me, prayed with me, rejoiced in my good news and given me words of wisdom and comfort in the many troughs of this rollercoaster ride, and for that I'm so grateful to all of you.
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Oh honey - what a year. Bless you for finding a silver lining. It's the sort of anniversary that needs a comfy chair, a good friend, a pot of tea (or coffee) a 'diet-be-damned' slice of chocolate cake, and a long chat interspersed with, probably, more than a few little weeps, and, hopefully, some laughs too. I WISH WISH WISH I was there and could be that friend!
ReplyDeleteThank heavens also for new years. Praying hard that this one brings peace and fulfillment, in whatever form they come. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
(actually, praying just that bit harder that the 'form' weighs around 8 pounds and measures 50 odd centimetres!!!! NOT giving up on that prayer and hope!!!)
I am so sorry that you have to celebrate such an anniversary. I know this has not been an easy for you. Sending love your way. This internet community continues to amaze me and I always feel grateful to have found it.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely an anniversary I wish no one had to reflect on. Ugh, ugh, and more ugh! It has been a true test of strength and spirit, and the fact that you are still trying, still hopeful, well that just goes to show what you are made of. Great stuff, my dear. AMAZING stuff!
ReplyDeleteJust so you know, there are a lot of us out here in the blogosphere that are equally grateful to have found you. It isn't easy to support others and give of yourself when you yourself are struggling and in pain, so while you reflect on the pain of the past year, make sure and give heavy consideration to all that you've given along the way and pat yourself on the back.
I completely agree with Myndi. I am SO grateful to have found you! I was struggling with the exact same emotions regarding IF and the Church and your blog was like a breath of fresh air ... it made so much sense and I didn't feel alone anymore.
ReplyDeleteNevertheless, I wish you weren't experiencing this anniversary. I am so glad I found your blog, but I wish you'd never had a reason to even start it. Sigh.
Praying for you, my friend. *hug*
These anniversaries are not the kind I wish you'd have to remember. But sadly its your reality. I agre with Sonja and Myndi.. it is such a priviledge to have 'met' you though and am grateful for all your kind words over the past months. I just close my eyes and hope that we never have to remember another anniversary like this one again. xxx
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