Thursday, 8 July 2010

I spoke too soon

I should have known it wouldn't be that simple. A problem that's lasted two years and is so strongly wrapped up in the workings of the inner psyche doesn't go away just like that.

I had a blissful few days where I naively thought that DH's delayed ejaculation/anejaculation was cured, because out of the blue it happened on its own not once, but twice.

I warned him that it probably wouldn't happen consistently every time from then on, and that we must both be relaxed about any times that it didn't happen. And I told him that the main reason I was so happy it had happened those two times was for his sake, because it was enjoyable for him.

So the first time after that that it didn't happen, I was quite relaxed about it. Unfortunately, DH wasn't - and ever since then, we're right back to square one, with him desperately working at it, trying to make it happen. I can tell that whenever we're making love, he's only thinking about one thing: "What can I do to make it happen? Will it happen this time? What if it doesn't? Will it ever happen again? Maybe if I try moving a little bit differently..."

Meanwhile, I'm silently praying that he'll get some relief, and trying everything I can to help him relax and try to feel those tense muscles unclench.

So there'll be no natural conception this month - my bubble has burst, and I'm so intent on trying not to make a big deal out of this that I daren't even suggest using the artificial methods that we tried before. And in any case, it's now too late for this month however we try to do it.

Last week I was cut to the quick when it was all over and I was trying to reassure him and tell him that it didn't matter (but it did, and a little bit of me was dying inside as I said it). In a voice full of despair, he said, "But all I want to do is make you pregnant."

There are only three things that make our situation now better than it was two years ago: I know it can happen, and I'm sure it will again one day, when he's ready; I know it's not my fault; and I know it's not because he doesn't find me desirable.

But right now, our love-making doesn't bring us comfort and togetherness, but tension and isolated despair. And I'm left wondering how I can help a man who over-analyses everything in life to relax and just let things happen.


  1. *HUGSHUGSHUGS* TTC is so unbelievable stressful, even without all the added hassles you guys are up against. We went through a patch to where we actually gave it a break for a month, as DH had been ill the month before, couldn't perform on cue, and I had collapsed in a shuddering heap. We decided we needed a month to clear our (my?) heads and remember that it was supposed to be love-making, not a means to an end. Huge kudos to you for managing not to collapse all over your DH, but for taking the time to try to reassure him about it. It will all work out in the end, I'm sure, as regards his issue. And I'm praying the levels are right in the next month or so, so you do not have to rely on it working out in the short term, and you can both hopefully relax and get back to enjoying the closeness and the love part. *MOREHUGS* XXXXXXXXXXX

  2. So, so sorry. To have the hope and then have it washed away, and I can only imagine how awful he must feel, which in turn makes you feel nearly as bad. Wish I had some sage advice.

    I'm definitely with Jeannie on this. Even more reason to hope the next month is the one. Imagine getting back to a sex life that's about the connection and nothing else. Much, much more relaxing. :)

  3. Oh Hopesprings. I dont know what to say as Jeannie said it all so perfectly.
    I am thinking of you and hope you can find a way to brush aside the pressures of TTC for a little bit, I know its hard... so hard though.

  4. oh, I'm sorry to hear you're back to square one. Hugs to both of you.