I should have known it wouldn't be that simple. A problem that's lasted two years and is so strongly wrapped up in the workings of the inner psyche doesn't go away just like that.
I had a blissful few days where I naively thought that DH's delayed ejaculation/anejaculation was cured, because out of the blue it happened on its own not once, but twice.
I warned him that it probably wouldn't happen consistently every time from then on, and that we must both be relaxed about any times that it didn't happen. And I told him that the main reason I was so happy it had happened those two times was for his sake, because it was enjoyable for him.
So the first time after that that it didn't happen, I was quite relaxed about it. Unfortunately, DH wasn't - and ever since then, we're right back to square one, with him desperately working at it, trying to make it happen. I can tell that whenever we're making love, he's only thinking about one thing: "What can I do to make it happen? Will it happen this time? What if it doesn't? Will it ever happen again? Maybe if I try moving a little bit differently..."
Meanwhile, I'm silently praying that he'll get some relief, and trying everything I can to help him relax and try to feel those tense muscles unclench.
So there'll be no natural conception this month - my bubble has burst, and I'm so intent on trying not to make a big deal out of this that I daren't even suggest using the artificial methods that we tried before. And in any case, it's now too late for this month however we try to do it.
Last week I was cut to the quick when it was all over and I was trying to reassure him and tell him that it didn't matter (but it did, and a little bit of me was dying inside as I said it). In a voice full of despair, he said, "But all I want to do is make you pregnant."
There are only three things that make our situation now better than it was two years ago: I know it can happen, and I'm sure it will again one day, when he's ready; I know it's not my fault; and I know it's not because he doesn't find me desirable.
But right now, our love-making doesn't bring us comfort and togetherness, but tension and isolated despair. And I'm left wondering how I can help a man who over-analyses everything in life to relax and just let things happen.