One of the things I hate most about IF is the loss of control - the inability to make plans, and the feeling that time is just pulling away from us. We were planning to go to South Africa last year to see my brother and his family, and it didn't happen. Then we were planning to go this August/September, and we've just pushed it back again. We haven't seen them since our wedding, and I so long to chat over coffee with Jeannie, to get to know my sweet godson and his brother again, and to see my brother.
Over the last two years, we've also put off a trip to China and innumerable other treats and trips that we thought of.
We've handed over our immediate future to XXXX clinic, so there's not an awful lot we can do for the moment about the lack of ability to plan - everything depends on the results of those monthly blood tests, which are not bad enough to give up but not good enough to be able to risk missing what might be the one perfect month.
But there are other treats we've denied ourselves. When I met DH, my pride and joy was my car - a classic MG which was rusting and of variable reliability, but which I loved driving and which took me on many great adventures. DH is not a car person, and he didn't like the MG much - but the real reason I sold it to buy a sensible car was because I was the only person available to drive DH's parents around, and our getting together coincided with his father's increasing frailty and inability to take the train as he used to. A reliable car with space for the in-laws was a necessity, and I consoled myself with the thought that we would soon be filling it with children of our own and have another reason for needing the sensible car.
More than two years on, we've been enjoying beautiful summer weather, and I secretly promised myself that if it turned out we definitely couldn't have children and we had to close the door on that dream, I would at least console myself with another frivolous, fun car. After all, DH is learning to drive now - I had always thought that if we got a second car it would be for him, but why should it be? I've been driving longer, so insurance is cheaper for me, and he's on the insurance for the sensible car anyway.
Last week, I decided that I'd had enough of waiting for the outcome of this treatment. It may or may not work - in fact, it may or may not ever even happen. My life is still on hold to a large extent, but there are some things I can take control of.
So my dream of a fun car is not going to wait until I know we can't have children. I can have fun while we're waiting, and if I end up in the happy position of having to sell the two-seater because the twins won't fit in it, then I'll do it with a singing heart, but knowing that I've really enjoyed my last summer of 'freedom'.
And things couldn't have worked out better once I'd made the decision. I picked up my new toy boy on Friday evening, and the weather has been perfect over the weekend for my first couple of days of topless motoring (the MG was not convertible).
We went to a picnic yesterday, and as we were leaving I asked if my friend's son wanted to have a look at my new car. I ended up with six small boys queuing for the chance to sit in the driver's seat, and I don't know who enjoyed the experience more - them or me.
The new boy in my life may not be flesh and blood, but he puts a smile on my face, and who could ask for more...?