Rucksack II

Well, it turns out Nurse Perfect was right - only two of my eggs were mature, and only one of those fertilised. So unless it splits to give us identical twins, the maximum number of babies we're looking at is one.

When our first cycle came to an end and we started looking forward to the second cycle, I asked DH whether we should choose new names for any future embryos. He was quite insistent that we shouldn't - we've always referred to our future children as Rucksack and Ray-Ray, and he didn't want to change that.

The name Rucksack came about several months before we were married - maybe even before we were engaged. I was teasing DH about what a Mummy's Boy he is, and said that our children would be brought up to be ready for anything and would grow up to be intrepid explorers. We decided that Rucksack would be a good name for our future intrepid explorer, and that he or she would be rugged, adventurous and capable.

So the little bundle of dividing cells in the petri dish down at the clinic has now been named Rucksack the Second, and I hope he or she turns out to be as rugged and adventurous as necessary to survive until transfer tomorrow afternoon. Then I hope he or she brings a tiny little pickaxe and a pair of crampons to help with the burrowing-in process and will then stick around in there for nine months or so before bursting into the world ready for a whole new set of adventures.

I'm kind of sad, because if Rucksack II manages to cling on, he or she will almost certainly be an only child - the likelihood of success in a year or more's time is too remote to put ourselves through the expense and the physical and emotional strain again if we already have a child.

I'm also kind of apprehensive, because we now really do have all our eggs in one basket. Last time we had three embryos at this stage, and one didn't make it. What if Rucksack II is the one that doesn't make it this time, and we end up not even making it to transfer? Would that actually be preferable to the two weeks of torture I went through last time, only to end up with the same result? And if Rucksack II isn't going to make it in the end, wouldn't it be better not to have to go through the embryo transfer, which for me is the most uncomfortable part of this whole process?

But I'm also kind of excited. I can't write my little explorer off just yet, and I'm hoping and praying that we make it to transfer and get to see those two pink lines in a couple of weeks.

The next 24 hours will be long, and hopefully the two weeks after that will be even longer. But I hope Rucksack II gets to come home with me tomorrow, back where he or she belongs.