Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Welcome to the funfair

We've got it all here - (mood) swings, (emotional) rollercoaster, lucky dips...

Before I launch into it all, I just want to thank you all so much for your comments yesterday, congratulate Lin on her Christmas miracle and wish all good things to Egghunt, who is a fantastic cycle buddy and who I really really hope will be getting good news this week.

The day of my embryo transfer, I was plunged into a deep depression. I was sure this wasn't going to work, and I couldn't stand the thought of having to go through all this again - but deep down, I also couldn't stand the thought of stopping. I was looking towards a three-pronged fork in the road, with one prong seeming to be blocked off to me and the other two both leading to places I didn't want to go, and was afraid of going.

Gradually, I foolishly allowed hope to creep in. I experienced symptoms I hadn't had before, and I imagined writing in my BFP post, "I knew something was different this time" and listing out these symptoms. But something still held me back from excitedly posting them as they happened - as I would have done on IVF #1.

Saturday came and went with no spotting, and although I barely had time to think with my nieces here, by the end of the day I had a perfectly-honed BFP post in my head, all ready to be written and posted in the few minutes before I have to leave on Friday morning.

And then I woke up on Sunday like a bear with a sore head. I felt horrible, and in the shower I noticed that the prominent veins that I always get on my boobs during the 2WW had faded, as they always do a day or two before AF shows up.

While I was out shopping in the afternoon, I felt that old familiar feeling - and sure enough, when I got home I went to the loo and found that I was spotting. It continued yesterday - still light, still brown, but gradually increasing in volume, just like it did last time round, and accompanied by cramps, just to make sure I couldn't forget about it.

And as that horrid brown gunk trickles out of me, so does the last shred of hope for this cycle. I'm going to try not to test before Friday, because I've never had a good outcome when I've tested early, and I still have this irrational feeling that if I wait until the official test day, perhaps the universe will reward me for my patience by giving me a BFP.

But in my heart of hearts, I know it won't.


  1. Oh honey, I'm so so sorry. I wish I was there to give you a huge hug in person. This is so terribly terribly sad :(

    I'll still pray for a miracle, but I trust you know your body best. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself time to grieve. Just remember how very much we all love you XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  2. Oh no .... I am just so shocked by this post. I really had a feeling this was going to work for you. Jeannie is right that you do know your body best, but please remember that I was spotting (lots of brown and even some red) and had such horrible (normal) AF cramps that I took ibuprofen without even thinking of it. I was moody, weepy, and my boobs stopped hurting. So there is still hope. But I will hold out hope for you, and you take this time to cry and grieve. I am still praying so hard for your BFP, my friend.

  3. I'm going to hold out hope until Friday, but still...I am so sorry the last few days of the wait are going to be so icky. Thinking of you every day and hoping for the best.