We actually ended up having a great time at my SIL's. Because it wasn't Christmas Day itself and was so different from my own family Christmases, I was able to do my grinch thing and pretend to myself that it was just another ordinary day and we weren't trying to celebrate the most family-friendly and child-centred day of the year, and that made everything much more bearable. But it was also great that I got to know my SIL a bit better.
We were doing some clearing up in the kitchen, and for the first time since we arrived, she and I were on our own. I knew DH had told her about our IVF attempts, and as soon as everyone else had disappeared, she said, "I'm so sorry about the IVF."
We then had a really good chat - I filled her in on some of the details and what our next plans are (they've changed a little bit - I'll fill you in over the next couple of days). We talked about how hard it is, and I even confessed that although I was sad that our plans had had to change because of the snow, I had also been a bit relieved because I didn't know how I was going to cope with such a child-centred family occasion so soon after our BFN.
And you know what? She understood! And I finally felt close enough to her to be able to ask the question to which my DH hadn't known the answer - did she and my BIL have to wait long after they started trying before their first child came along? I had suspected they might have had problems, partly because they'd been married for 13 years when their first child was born and partly for other reasons.
And sure enough, she said that they were trying for over two years before she got pregnant with the first one. And she understood about people making insensitive remarks, and about how soul-destroying it is to be disappointed month after month, and about how difficult big family occasions can be.
And suddenly I feel as though I have another ally in all of this. I hate this being the connection that I have with her, but I'm glad I've made a real connection. I just hope one day I'll be able to produce a little cousin or two for her children.
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It's nice to have allies in the IF battle in real life. I belong to an extended family of which nearly every pregnancy has been an accident or else easily planned. I don't know anyone who had to try for more than a few months except for 1 friend. I am really glad you were able to have a heart-to-heart with your SIL.
ReplyDeleteI'm interested in hearing your new plans and look forward to reading about them in your upcoming posts!
oh my gosh I'm so pleased you got to bond with your SIL. Unfortunately we IF sisters are everywhere, which makes it crazy that we feel so alone a lot of the time. It's really lovely that she initiated the conversation by acknowledging your loss, I know its hard for people to bring up the subject as they never know how we'll react, or if we will want to talk about it. Like Sonja said above.... can't wait to hear your plans. xx
ReplyDeleteI am glad you have a new plan figured out and your DH seems to be coming around a little. That's also great about you creating a bond with your SIL, even if it had to start on a shared IF experience. I agree with egghunt, it is crazy we feel alone so much when there are so many of us out there! Can't wait to hear your plans.
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