First, thank you so much for all your comments and encouragement on my last post - they really meant a lot to me. Rucksack did survive the night, and was put back in as a 4-cell, grade 3 embryo - and I don't even have the heart to say that I'm PUPO.
After transfer last time, I felt elated, and I walked out into the early autumn sunshine to call DH and tell him the good news.
This time, I felt violated, and as I walked out into the cold, grey winter air, I texted DH to say the deed was done.
Last time, I had great hopes for our two little embabies, and although the process was uncomfortable, I was relieved that it was at least quick.
This time, there was more fumbling. Mr No Nonsense took out the first speculum he tried and called for a different one, and the car jack had to be cranked several times before he was satisfied with its positioning. I felt as though my insides were being split in two, and wondered if I wasn't meant to get pregnant because my pain threshold is too low to cope with childbirth.
As I waited for the embryologist to check that the catheter was clear, big tears started to roll down my cheeks. My overwhelming thought was that I couldn't bear to go through this again - not with our own embryos, that have such a low chance of survival, and not with donated embryos either. I lay there and cried as Nurse First Time tidied everything up, then I cried all the way through her spiel about what I should and shouldn't be doing for the next two weeks.
I don't want to go through this again. This isn't how it's meant to be. I'm so jealous of people who get pregnant the normal way, and so sad that we had to go through all of this - and it'll probably end up being for nothing.
The naive optimism of the first cycle has given way to the weary resignation of the second. Tomorrow I'll work on trying to be a bit more positive. For tonight, I need to wallow a bit in my depression.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
*big, comforting hugs*
ReplyDeleteYou are a brave, strong woman to endure all of this. I just went online and did some embryo quality reading and found that day-2 embryos with 4 cells are ideal, and if your lab does the grading with grade 3 as the best, then you have a gorgeous little embryo right there! And the # of cells is the most important grading factor on day-2. These two embryos (http://www.advancedfertility.com/4cell.htm) resulted in pregnancy!
I know it certainly isn't ideal, and you must be experiencing such great heartache. Try to be gentle with yourself in this 2WW. Take some time to just be alone or with your DH and think, cry, grieve. I am praying for a miracle for you.
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry this is so hard for you and I wish I could give you a big hug! I know it's not how things are meant to be for anyone, but luckily we have a way of creating chances for life when we don't have the "natural" option.
ReplyDeleteI am praying that your little Rucksack hangs on for a good nine months to prove you wrong :)
I'm so sorry. I don't know the right words to say, but I just want to shower you with hugs right now. So glad that Rucksack survived the night and has a wonderful fighting chance...prayers that he pulls through and nestles in tight! Thinking of you...
ReplyDeleteHey hon, rucksack sounds like a little fighter. Try to stay positive for his/her sake. It will all be worth it in the end xxx
ReplyDeleteSo glad to hear that Rucksack II is now where he/she should be. I'm sorry that this cycle has been so difficult for you. After the last cycle, it seems natural that you would feel this way on this round, but it sucks nonetheless. Take it easy over the weekend.
ReplyDeleteI'm right here with you Hope Springs and you are echoing my thoughts all the way. Its hard not to see the negative side of things when you have been here before and not had a good experience. But between the two of us lets try to find a bit of hope for our little 4cell embies, it COULD happen and as much as I hate it when people tell me this: theres nothing we can do now, its out of our hands, all we can do is wait and try to be as nice as possible to ourselves. I'm here for you cycle buddy. xxx
ReplyDeleteJust want you to know that I have been and continue to think of you and am praying that lil Rucksack II is snuggling in tight. Take care of you (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, all of you.
ReplyDeleteSonja, your research on 2-day embryos did make me feel much better. Although 1 is the best on the scale that she uses, apparently our embryologist NEVER gives a 1, so our grade 3 is possibly the equivalent of a grade 2 somewhere else.
Egghunt - my cycle buddy - I hate the fact that we're both having to go through this, but I'm really rooting for you, and I so hope that you have some good news in a couple of weeks' time. x