Wednesday, 14 April 2010

I'm a horrible person

I'm sure everyone's fed up with my whinging recently - I'm fed up with it myself. But here's another whinge...

When my family send e-mails to each other, we generally copy in the whole family so that we all keep in touch and know what everybody's up to. My sister's due date is coming up early next month, and every e-mail that my SIL in the US sends has a special message for her at the end. Sometimes it's just to send love to her in particular, other times it's talking about what a wonderful time this is in her life, or to let her know that they're thinking of her.

And of course, there was lots of attention and special care and talking about when the baby comes when we were with the family at Easter.

I truly don't begrudge her any of it. I'm happy that she's having this baby, and when the baby comes, I'll love it as much as I love all my nephews and nieces.


Apparently I'm the only person who remembers that the day I found out she was pregnant was also the day I realised that IVF #1 had failed. The only person who ever thinks that if it had worked, if my little embies had been able to cling on in there, I'd only be a few weeks behind her now.

Obviously, I don't want anyone bringing the mood down by putting reminders of that in family e-mails. Nor do I want anyone to stop thinking of her and praying for her at this special time in her life.

I don't really know what I want. But what I do know is that every time I see another group e-mail sending special love to her, it feels like I've been stabbed in the chest. And then I feel guilty for being such a horrible person. I suppose it would just be nice to have some sort of private acknowledgement from someone that this could be a difficult time for me.

But in this hyperfertile family, how can I expect them to understand how I feel? I know if I told anyone I was feeling this way, I'd be told to pull myself together and stop being so self-centred. I'm trying, and I'll never breathe a word of how I feel to any of my family (except Jeannie, who reads this blog), but however much I repress it, I can't help feeling this way at times.


  1. *HUGE HUGE HUGS* Of course you're allowed to feel that way - it would be peculiar if you didn't honey. I was thinking the other day that this next month is going to be very difficult for you, but just in case you weren't finding it so, I didn't want to bring it up and make it so... Now that you've mentioned it, please know I AM thinking of you, and sending you so much love and vibes of strength. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  2. Oh my goodness, I don't 'know' you, but there is one thing I do know, and that is you are definitely NOT a horrible person. What you feel is completely normal and as Jeannie says I'd find it odd if you didn't feel that way. Big gentle hugs xxx Coco xxx

  3. What you are feeling is completely normal and does not in any way make you a horrible person. You went through something extremely devastating with the rotten luck of having it coincide with an event representing exactly what you had hoped to achieve. Who wouldn't feel pain over that? And it's made even more difficult because IF is something people tend to sweep under the carpet if they're not enduring it themselves.

    I wish there was a way for your inbox to block that section of those emails so you didn't have to see them. I'm not sure if there's really a solution unless perhaps your DH could read the email aloud to you and skip that part and then promptly delete it?

    *hugs* I'm really sorry you are having to go through this, especially in private ...

  4. Most certainly not a horrible person! I understand feeling bad for feeling bad, I do, but don't beat yourself up over something you really can't help. We have all been there. Heck, we're all there! I didn't like my SIL before and now that she's due next month...well, let's just say I don't feel like a very nice person when it comes to her. I wish I didn't feel that way, but I do, and there isn't much to be done about it. And the same goes for you. Don't think for one second if situations were reversed that they wouldn't feel the same.

    Sending lots of love!

  5. If you are a horrible person then I am right there with you in that category too (and I think just about every other infertile woman would be crammed into this room too). Its so hard to balance the feelings of happiness for another and sadness for ourselves. Regardless, you should not feel that you are not allowed to remember the important things that happened in your life at the same time as your sister found out she was pregnant. It would be nice if your family would acknowldege your loss too but like you say.. I'm sure its not intentional on their part they probably have no idea what to say, or they will wrongly think that you are 'over it' by now. I wish they'd understand your pain but they have nothing to compare it too and would probably get it wrong whatever assumption they jumped to. I often long to be understood better by my family too so I don't think its an uncommon wish, but I think it's a hard one to fulfil. Anyway, you are not horrible or selfish, I don't think you'd have it in you to be either of those things. Quite the opposite I think. xxx