I'm sure everyone's fed up with my whinging recently - I'm fed up with it myself. But here's another whinge...
When my family send e-mails to each other, we generally copy in the whole family so that we all keep in touch and know what everybody's up to. My sister's due date is coming up early next month, and every e-mail that my SIL in the US sends has a special message for her at the end. Sometimes it's just to send love to her in particular, other times it's talking about what a wonderful time this is in her life, or to let her know that they're thinking of her.
And of course, there was lots of attention and special care and talking about when the baby comes when we were with the family at Easter.
I truly don't begrudge her any of it. I'm happy that she's having this baby, and when the baby comes, I'll love it as much as I love all my nephews and nieces.
Apparently I'm the only person who remembers that the day I found out she was pregnant was also the day I realised that IVF #1 had failed. The only person who ever thinks that if it had worked, if my little embies had been able to cling on in there, I'd only be a few weeks behind her now.
Obviously, I don't want anyone bringing the mood down by putting reminders of that in family e-mails. Nor do I want anyone to stop thinking of her and praying for her at this special time in her life.
I don't really know what I want. But what I do know is that every time I see another group e-mail sending special love to her, it feels like I've been stabbed in the chest. And then I feel guilty for being such a horrible person. I suppose it would just be nice to have some sort of private acknowledgement from someone that this could be a difficult time for me.
But in this hyperfertile family, how can I expect them to understand how I feel? I know if I told anyone I was feeling this way, I'd be told to pull myself together and stop being so self-centred. I'm trying, and I'll never breathe a word of how I feel to any of my family (except Jeannie, who reads this blog), but however much I repress it, I can't help feeling this way at times.