Friday, 13 August 2010

The answer is no. Again.

Thank you so much for all your prayers and good wishes. Unfortunately, the answer, once again, was a resounding 'NO'.

My HCG was less than 1. This embryo didn't even try to implant.

So what does this mean? I only had one usable egg this time. I'm a poor responder par excellence, and the eggs I do get don't seem to be good enough.

Was it just bad luck? Or are my eggs so old and crappy that I'm never going to produce a decent, viable embryo? And why should that be, when my mother didn't enter the menopause until she was over 50, and my grandmother gave birth when she was in her 40s? Isn't that supposed to be an indicator of something? I'm 40 - I know I'm no spring chicken, but my ovaries shouldn't be completely old and withered at this age.

I'm so angry at the unfairness of it all. DH and I are good people. We'd be good parents. We've done everything we could to make this work. We worked as though everything depended on us and prayed as though everything depended on God. We've smiled and made happy noises for the casually fertile, even when we were dying inside. We've looked after other people's babies when our arms were aching to hold our own. Why is it never our turn? What have we done to deserve this emptiness and unhappiness?

DH would like to try one more time. I don't know. We threw everything at it this time. We'd been eating healthily and taking ridiculous numbers of supplements for months. We had immune testing. We had daily blood tests. We gave up alcohol. I gave up caffeine. We had expensive and painful drug regimes for pretty much every eventuality. It was the best shot we could possibly have given it. And our embryo didn't even begin to implant.

We'll book our follow-up appointment, and ask our questions about what they really thought of the quality of our embryo, and why they think I responded so badly. And then we'll ask them whether they genuinely think there's any point in trying again - because I'm not prepared to go through this again without a realistic chance of success.

We could be at the end of the road here.


  1. I'm choked up reading this -- I was thinking this was it ... everything seemed to be in your favor. I am so very sorry and know you must be experiencing such heartache right now. It is so incredibly unfair. Sending you lots of love and comfort ...

  2. I am so very sorry for this BFN. Wishing you dealing in the days ahead whatever you decide to do next.

  3. I am so sorry, it is desperately unfair. You are in my thoughts xx

  4. I'm in tears for you, I was really hoping this was your time. I'm sorry! And it's not fair!

    Sending a huge swarm of warm little hugs.

  5. I am so, so sorry. With the different clinic, different regime...I just thought for sure this was going to be it. I hope that the follow up appointment will bring some sort of hope, that the outcome of this cycle helps the RE's fine tune the next cycle, and that no matter what happens, you are up to the challenge.

    Loads and loads of hugs.

  6. Oh Hope Springs. I am so sorry, truely sorry. My heart just aches for you. Its so hard to deal with when you really feel like you threw everything possible at this cycle. I wish this was your happy ending as you so deserved that at the least.
    As usual you are extremely strong and graceful in the way you handle this news. You are so amazingly strong.
    The decision to go ahead with another cycle or not is one that will come to you with time, let the sting of this cycle wear off and then the answer will come to you. It can seem impossible to plan again now when things seem so raw and unfair. Hope has a way of coming back though, even if it does mean by another or different path. xxx Thinking of you. Love and friendship xxxx

  7. I have been thinking of you all day. I just feel so rotten that this is happening to you. It's so UNFAIR. I know what I'm typing doesn't even help, but I just wanted you to know you've been on my mind and I feel so badly for you. I'm keeping you in my prayers. *hugs*