Sunday, 22 August 2010

He heard, she heard

It always amazes me how DH and I can participate in exactly the same conversation and come away with completely different views of it.

I came out of Friday's appointment with the doctor (he needs a name - let's call him Mr Wonderful) feeling utterly crushed, and had the greatest difficulty stemming the flow of tears which had begun to fall halfway through the appointment.

Mr Wonderful was kind and caring, and he tried not to be negative, but he said two or three times that our chances of success are very low. He said that if this had been our second or third attempt at XXXX clinic, he would be recommending that we give up and explore other options. It was only because this was our first attempt with my immune issues being addressed - so that he said we could pretty much discount our two attempts at the other clinic - that he thought it was worth trying one more time, but we mustn't get our hopes too high.

He said that there are two principal reasons why embryos fail to implant - immune issues and embryo quality. Since my immune issues were being addressed in this cycle, it must have been down to the embryo, even though when they put it back it looked perfect. I'm not getting any younger, and my ovaries respond so badly to high doses of stimulation that he holds out very little hope that I'll produce any more eggs next time round - and the fewer eggs you have, the lower your chance of success.

I asked very tentatively about DHEA, because I'd read that XXXX clinic doesn't believe in it. He cautiously said that some studies had indicated that it could help in some cases, and agreed that I might as well try it. He offered us the prescription as an afterthought, just as we were about to leave. The impression I got was that we had so little hope, we might as well throw everything we could at this final attempt.

I wondered if DH would consider it worth wasting another £10,000 on one last treatment cycle, knowing how low the odds were (and also knowing that I was unemployed, with no real job prospects on the horizon), and I waited with some trepidation for the discussion we would have when he got home.

He then surprised me by saying as soon as he got in on Friday night, "Well, that was quite positive, wasn't it?"

Errrrm, no, I wanted to reply, but just waited and let him carry on.

"I'm so glad he thinks we still have a chance. And he was impressed when you asked about the DHEA."

Errrrm, no again. I think these doctors don't like it all that much when we second-guess them with information we've got from Dr Google. But we're such a hopeless case that he thought we might as well throw something extra at it, probably just so I feel as though everything has been done that could be done.

"So we start again in November. It's good that he's giving your body time to rest before you have to go through all that again."

Yes, my love, we go through it again in November. And you're all perky and cheery because you think Mr Wonderful gave us good news on Friday. And I'm just hoping that you're right, and that your birthday present in November isn't going to be another BFN and a bucketful of tears.


  1. Bless him, and let's hope for a November to remember:)

  2. I had to laugh a little bit because this is how every one of our appointments (that my DH attends)ends up. Me thinking it is the end of the world and DH smiling and feeling full to the brim with positivity.
    Husbands do seem to have the ability to see the positives. On this occaision I'm going to side with your husband!
    I think males tend to make decisions and opinions based on facts and they don't get so emotional about things. We woman (well me anyway) are often far to emotional to see the situation for what it really is.
    The facts are that if it wasn't worth you trying again the clinic would have said so (they have their success rates to think of) and yes i know the odds are not as favourable as you'd like, but honestly, they're not great for many of us. Look at me, I'm supposedly in the favourable category age wise and I'm staring down the barrel of my 5th IVF. Its a hard road, and its especially hard because its all so fresh and raw for you right now. I think its so wonderful that your DH was there and able to put a positive spin on the review for you. And by the way, I think its great that you asked for the DHEA. I know its hard to suggest things in those situations but at the end of the day this is YOUR future and you need to know you've done all you possibly can to get to motherhood. So bravo to you, and I'm sure the Dr wouldn't have prescribed it if it wasn't worth trying.
    Bring on November!!!
    Take care, hugs.

  3. I have completely the same situation: I most often walk out of a session with Dr.Dry completely demoralized and Mr.Right comes out of it with the complete opposite reaction. Weird!! I don't exactly know what it is that causes us to have these completely different reactions. I do think I'm a bit more of a pessimist. But, I think it may have as much to do with how much harder this really is on us than it is on them. That's not to dismiss that our husbands feel that this is hard, but it's our bodies that have to go through all this and, I think, in your and my cases, our crappy eggs and/or immune issues that are causing us to have to go through all of this. I've too often tried to drag my husband down the pessimistic route, though, so I totally applaud your letting him kind of drag you down the optimistic route!! It's seems to me to me to be a much better road to follow. We're pretty much in the same - let's-try-one-last-time-with-my-eggs situation so I'll be following closely and keeping all of my fingers and toes crossed for you!!

  4. My DH was always the same way, too. Guys hear things differently, that's for sure. I have heard that DHEA can really help some people though, so I think it's wonderful that you get to add that to your arsenal! I am praying that November will prove your DH right (even though it is frustrating when men hear so differently from women!!).

  5. Somehow I think men filter things in a more positive light (i.e. less realistic). For some reason, my mind is going to this scene in the movie "Dumb and Dumber" (which I detest by the way), and Jim Carey is hitting on this woman and she's telling him to bug off. She thinks she's being direct (any woman would agree; something along the lines of "when pigs fly" or "when hell freezes over"), but he still responds with "So what you're saying is, I have a chance!"

    It's funny because the stereotype is that men are more logical than women, but my experience is that they don't accept reality very well, and fall to denial in the blink of an eye.

    All that said, I hope like heck that your DH is right. Not here as often as I'd like to be, but always thinking of you, always rooting for you. <3