The next plan

Thank you so much for your comments and support - I really do appreciate each and every one of them.

I'm trying not to think too deeply about this at the moment, because I need to keep some measure of control and not turn into a blubbering mess. Every so often, something makes my eyes well up, and I instantly push it to the back of my mind and concentrate on something else. And that something else tends to be 'what do we do next?'.

Of course, we can't really know what we're going to do next until after our follow-up appointment, which is booked for next Friday. We'll be guided by the clinic on whether they think it's worth trying again - but for the moment, I have to believe for the sake of my sanity that they'll say it is worth it.

I'm tired of popping pills, so we're probably not going to go back to our programme of supplements. Now that I'm not working, I can shop for food more regularly and cook healthy, nutritious meals, so we'll stick to trying to stay healthy naturally.

We discussed whether we should stick to the not-eating-in-the-evening thing. It's worked well for us in that we both feel healthier, DH snores less, and we don't feel heavy and bloated in the evening. On the other hand, we hardly ever eat together, and I've been limited in the meals I could cook, because they had to be able to go in a little Tupperware pot and be reheatable at work.

Eventually, we decided that we will start eating again in the evenings - but I'll have supper ready as soon as DH gets home from work, and our suppers will be high protein and low carb. Last night we had delicious organic steaks with salad - an excellent start.

The next miracle cure I'm going to try is wheatgrass, which can apparently help lower FSH and improve egg quality. I ordered a month's supply of frozen wheatgrass shots yesterday, which should arrive on Tuesday. Even if we aren't able to go ahead with another IVF, wheatgrass is good for detoxing after you've been on a lot of drugs, so it should do me good as my body processes all the stuff I've been taking the last few weeks.

I had some inkling that this cycle might not have worked on Friday morning, when I had some brown spotting, so the BFN call was less of a shock than it might otherwise have been. My AF still hasn't shown up, though, and in many ways that makes me feel that I'm still in limbo.

Looking at my dates, the best time for another cycle would be November, so I'm hoping my cycle will work itself out in such a way as to make that possible. And if we get that chance, I will cancel all plans for that month and concentrate solely on relaxing, eating protein and following the clinic's instructions.

In the meantime, I'll take the wheatgrass, get to work on getting fit and losing some more weight, book our long-delayed holiday to South Africa for late September/early October, pray that we get the answers we're hoping for from the clinic on Friday, and try not to think too deeply about the hopes and dreams that were dashed for us this week.