Friday, 30 October 2009

Official Test Day

During Insomnia Hour, I lay completely still, gazing at the ceiling. My stomach was cramping, and my temperature had dropped for the third day running. The spotting/bleeding increased yesterday to the level where I had to change the pad a couple of times, although it was still old brown blood.

In my rational mind, I knew it was all over - I've known since Monday, and confirmed it with the negative test on Wednesday. But so many people told me not to give up hope until Official Test Day.

I needed a wee, but still I lay there. As long as I hadn't got up and done the test, I could imagine that it might still go the other way. AF was like Schrodinger's cat. Until I had done the test, Rucksack and Ray-Ray were both alive and dead, but once that test box was open, there was no going back - they would be either one way or the other.

I eventually fell back into a restless sleep. I dreamt that I was talking to a little boy who was on his way home from his second day at school. We were waiting for a train, and as it pulled into the platform he said, excitedly, "You know what was on the floor of this carriage when the train came in yesterday? (Dramatic pause) BLOOD!!"

Then DH brought me a cup of tea, and it was time to get up. Reluctantly, I dragged myself into the bathroom and peed in a cup. My fingers shook as I struggled with the cellophane wrapping of the test box, and I felt sick with apprehension.

Finally, I managed to dip the test. It was a digital test, and the little egg timer began to flash. I emptied the cup and cleaned it out, then sat down and watched the egg timer as it winked at me. My mind was blank.

And then the answer came up: "Not Pregnant".

The box has been opened, and there's no more in-between stage. I never even saw my babies. They probably never got any bigger than a few cells each. But they were half my husband's DNA, and half mine, and they lived. And now they're dead.

I'll ring the clinic later to tell them and see what we do next. I haven't taken my Cyclogest, so AF should be here in full force soon. But in the meantime I'm sitting here remembering how happy we were when we heard we had three little embryos, how proud my DH was and the excitement and anticipation we both felt when we knew they were inside me where they belonged.

I couldn't keep them safe. I couldn't nurture them and help them to grow. The clinic did its job and got us as far as it could. I'm the one who let them down.

Bye-bye babies - you may have been only tiny little specks, but we'll never forget you.


  1. No. You didn't let them down. Absolutely in no way whatsoever is that true. Humans are designed in a really lackadaisical fashion. Implantation is a hurdle for every embryo conceived, and many many conceptions don't implant. That's not the mommy's fault, it's just the way the body and the system works. You gave Ray-Ray and Rucksack the best possible chance, and it's horribly unfair that it didn't work, but IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

    I'm thinking of you and wishing I was there today. ALL our love XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  2. Just wanted to echo what Jeannie has said. This is not your fault in any way, you did the best job you possibly could and you gave them the best home for two weeks. It's just so sad that this time was not meant to be :( Take the time to grieve for your little ones but I also hope you will get chance for your next cycle before Christmas because I know your baby is out there for you. I never knew someone could touch my heart so much through cyber space & I have tears rolling down my face after reading your post. I know that's small consolation but you have so many people praying for you that the universe has to listen soon xx

  3. You most certainly did NOT let them down. You did EVERYTHING in your power to give them a comfortable home in your uterus. Despite all the things we do, sometimes it doesn't happen. It's horrible and sad, but it is by no means your fault. Ray-Ray, Rucksack, and Vivienne know that. And now you have baby angels watching over you from above. Maybe my 10 baby angels are hanging out with yours. =) I think about mine, too, a lot.

    My heart breaks for you.

  4. oh goodness what a frank and heartfelt post.

    Of course you did not let them down.

    I hope you and your husband have sometime to grieve and then when you are ready put your faces to the wind and move forward.


  5. I have to side with all the other posters. In no way you did let those embabies down. There is so little of this we can control. Nature takes the weirdest turns sometimes, often disappointing us even when circumstances appear perfect. There is nothing you could have done differently, nothing you could have done to guarantee that they would take. All you can do is hope that next time, things will work out.

    I'm so sorry that things worked out this way. I believe that your time is coming. I really, really do. In the meantime, take care of yourself.

  6. Honey, I am so very sorry. If anyone has done EVERYTHING possible in their power to make this happen it is YOU. In no way could anyone ever agree with the sentiment that this is your fault. Ray-ray and rucksack knew how much you loved them and would never have seen it as you letting them down. I'm sure they wish they were still sniggled up inside you aswell. Take good care of you sweetie. xxx

  7. Thanks so much for all your lovely comments. To clarify, I don't feel guilty as such, or as though there was more that I could or should have done - just sad that my body wasn't an environment in which they were able to thrive.

    You know, like Monica in 'Friends', when she has been told that her uterus is a "hostile environment" and she wails, "But I've always tried so hard to be a good hostess" - I did everything I could to make it a good place for them, but it didn't work out, and that makes me sad.

  8. So sorry this cycle did not work .. I feel some of your pain as I'm fairly certain my ivf #2 hasn't worked either. But you have an extraordinary attitude - wish I could be like you!

  9. I am so sorry for you. It will happen for you, I know it. You are a beautiful person and your time will come.