Monday, 26 October 2009

Total meltdown

Well, I rang the clinic and spoke to Nurse Perfect, and she was great - she didn't give me false hope, but said that the spotting was "insignificant" and meant nothing either way. She told me to carry on doing everything I have been doing and contact them again if I get full flow red blood before test day. She stressed that there's absolutely nothing I can do right now to influence the outcome one way or the other, so I should try to carry on as normal as much as possible.

Of course, the spotting was the only thing I told her about, and it's the combination of that with the drop in BBT and the total disappearance of all other positive symptoms that has me totally freaked out.

My sister and Jeannie both rang, and I had a little cry. I had a shower, and had a little cry. I checked my e-mails and read the lovely comments people have been leaving me on here, and had a little cry. Do you spot a pattern here?

Then I had a message from work - my colleague won't be able to teach his course this week, and we need to work out what to do about it. This is code for "you need to come in and teach this course" - I wrote it, so I'm the only other person who could theoretically teach it at such short notice.

It's on Thursday and Friday, and I had a total meltdown at the thought of having to be in the office teaching on official test day, the day when I have to POAS and then phone the clinic and discuss the result with them.

I called the department administrator (who is also a good friend) and she basically had to sit through my meltdown. There was everything - tears, snot, great gulping sobs, and the poor thing had to try to make sense of what I was saying through all that.

The upshot of it all is that the course has been cancelled and I've since spoken to my boss - who has clearly heard from the administrator about the earlier call, as he told me not to come into the office again until I'm feeling better, and not to worry about what's going on at work in the meantime. Of course, nobody wants a hysterical female dripping tears all over the computer equipment in an open-plan office, so I'm sure it's as much for their benefit as for mine.

And therein lies the benefit first in having the most wonderful colleagues and the most understanding boss in the world and secondly in having been upfront with them while I was still relatively sane and told them what was going on...


  1. Oh no, I am so, so sorry that it's looking bad right now. I hope that it isn't true, but I can understand how you feel right now, especially since you know your body better than anyone else. I am glad you're able to cry it out. It helps to just let all the stress/frustration/disappointment out like that. I will keep praying for you that you're totally wrong, but if you aren't know that I'm here for you ... we all are. *hug*

  2. I'm sorry it isn't looking good, but hang in there. Something I am beginning to learn from my experience and others, there is no such thing as "normal" with all these hormones and procedures that our bodies have been dealing with. You have so much love and support surrounding you, we are all here for you no matter what!

  3. I'm sorry that you are having such a rough go of it. The wait is torture, and yours has been so much longer than mine. Were there anything I could do help you pass the time or alleviate your concerns, know it would be done straight away.

    It's wonderful that your colleagues are so understanding. It's during these times that those measures of kindness go so very, very far because they are so very needed.

    Thinking of you and wishing you the best. :)

  4. I'm so pleased you have a few days off. It's so hard to hold it together when you are hanging in limbo like you are but it's even worse when you have to pretend your OK when you're not. So at least at home you can let yourself just feel what you are feeling without any guilt or self consciousness. Whatever the result,the next few days will be a tough hurdle, I'm thinking of you. Massive hugs.

  5. Not out yet. Still praying for a BFP! Glad that your colleagues and boss are so understanding. That's such a huge help! (((BIG HUGS)))